You know how it feels to share good news, right? The excitement as you tell someone of your success, a breakthrough, a moment that just made you feel a thrill or simple joy. You wait for them to respond to the good news, which can dramatically impact how you feel about your good news.
Maybe they made it even better by celebrating with you and supporting you in a real, human way. Or maybe they kind of shut you down, and suddenly, your news feels less amazing. Have you had this feeling before when you shared your good news?
The way we respond to others’ good news often reflects how we feel about ourselves and our self-awareness and empathy. When we actively engage with someone’s joy, we create a safe space for them to experience their positive emotions fully. This can strengthen our connection with a sense of mutual support and appreciation.
According to Dr. Shelly Gable, a researcher on social interactions and relationships from UCSB, there are four common styles of response to good news:
- Active-constructive: This is the golden response, characterized by genuine enthusiasm, active listening, and a desire to share in the other person’s joy. (That’s great! Tell me more!)
- Passive-constructive: Well-intentioned but lacking in enthusiasm, often involving generic positive statements. (Uh-huh, that’s nice.)
- Passive-destructive: Shifting the focus to oneself, potentially through comparison or as a distraction from feeling left out. (Oh, that’s cool! I just got an even better offer!)
- Active-destructive: Outright negative responses, such as criticism, doom-speak, (Oh, you’ll see…)
Which response style resonates with you?
When I first discovered Dr. Gable’s 2004 research (PDF), I realized that I had been unknowingly cycling through all four types of responses in my own interactions. Sometimes, I’d bask in someone else’s joy, offering genuine enthusiasm and support. Other times, I’d fall into the trap of comparing or telling them my story to show them I understood their feelings. I didn’t mean it to be deflating, but I can see now that it was and I wanted to do better.
I decided to make a conscious effort to notice my response style in a conversation. I mentally gave a name to my response, the other person’s emotions, and my own emotions. Then, I made a conscious choice to shift towards more active-constructive responses. It was amazing. I felt a deeper connection with the person, and their reaction to my response showed clearly that I was going in the right direction. A bonus was in my well-being. Sharing in someone else’s joy with empathy and support feels wonderful, and has a lasting impact.
For example:
Let’s say a friend confides in you about a challenging new promotion. How do you respond? Do you genuinely celebrate their success, ask questions to dive into the details, and mirror their happiness? Or maybe you shift the focus to your career challenges or wonder if they can handle the new challenge?
Sound Familiar?
Are you consistently offering the kind of support you’d want to receive if the shoe was on the other foot? Remember, there’s no judgment here. We’re all on a journey of growth as we move about in this world. Invest in yourself and better relationships.
Working on better
The next time someone shares good news, take a breath to check in with yourself and consider your response. Are you fully present, engaged, and empathetic? If not, don’t overreact. It happens, and small steps can lead to significant changes. Take a breath to fine-tune your response for everyone’s sake. Don’t fake it, be your true self.
Shifting towards more active-constructive responses is an investment in improving your relationships and your happiness. By celebrating others, you’re also celebrating yourself. You’re cultivating a positive and supportive environment where everyone feels valued and appreciated.
Sometimes it’s super-helpful to reflect on a conversation afterward and plan what you’ll say next time, or craft a heartfelt response for the next time you see them. It’s never too late! You can enrich your relationships and find greater joy in your own life with practice.