Have you ever wondered why you seem to undermine your own success? Maybe it was a job interview, a relationship. Maybe it was not starting a project because you “weren’t ready yet”.
You’re not alone. Let me tell you about my friend Julia. Julia called me excited and in doubt overdrive—she’d landed an interview for a senior VP role at a major biotech company. This was huge. Julia’s been one of my trusted go-tos for marketing for over ten years. She’s earned many awards and has recommendations from some of the most respected people in her field.
But as we chatted, I just wasn’t feeling her excitement. She was absorbed in self-doubt. “I don’t think I can do this,” she told me. “What if I fail? What if the hours are too much and don’t have time for friends and family? What if I’m not as good as people think I am?”
Her recommendations, strong track record didn’t matter now, or that getting the interview itself was an achievement. Julia’s inner critic was running the show. And it was keeping her from even imagining herself as capable of this next step.
Recognizing Self-Sabotage
I’ve seen this before before in others and in myself too. It’s called self-sabotage. Sometimes we undermine our own progress because deep down, we’re scared—of failing, succeeding, or facing the unknown.
For Julia, it manifested with procrastinating on her interview prep and overloading herself with smaller stuff at work. She’d take out the garbage rather than think about that interview. She obsessed everything that could go wrong and pretty soon she was believing she wasn’t qualified—even though the facts told a different story.
Self-sabotage is a sneaky monster. It can hide behind behaviors like:
- Procrastination: Putting off things that matter most.
- Overworking: Filling time with unimportant busywork to avoid what’s important.
- Negative self-talk: Telling yourself and anybody who’ll listen you aren’t enough.
- Avoidance: Hiding, not answering your phone, steering clear of feedback, preparation, or conversations that could help.
These kinds of behavior often feel like protection, but they’re really just ways of staying stuck.
Why We Sabotage Ourselves
In Julia’s case, self-sabotage stemmed from deep-seated fears. We talked through some of them together, and they might sound familiar:
- Fear of failure: “If I take this job and fall apart, I’ll never recover.”
- Fear of success: “What if this role takes over my life and ruins my relationships?”
- Imposter syndrome: “I’ve just been lucky so far. I’m not really cut out for this.”
You know what? Fears aren’t facts. They’re stories we tell ourselves to stay static, which can feel safe, or comfortable. But comfort can come at a cost when it keeps us from reaching for what we really want.
Helping Julia Reframe
Julia and I sat down to work together to reframe her limiting beliefs into something more supportive. It wasn’t about pretending she wasn’t scared—it was about looking at her fears from a new perspective.
Here are some ways we worked with this that might be helpful for you to try too.
Challenge the Inner Critic First, we named her fears and questioned them.
*Fear:* “I’m not ready for this.”
*Reframe:* “I’ve built a career over ten years, won awards, I’ve established my reputation through hard work and that’s why I have amazing recommendations. They wouldn’t have invited me if I wasn’t ready.”
Shift from Fear to Possibility I asked her what it might feel like to imagine success instead of failure.
*Fear:* “This job will ruin my relationships.”
*Reframe:* “Sure it might be busy at first, but with realistic boundaries I can be successful and still nourish my relationships.”
Focus on Growth We talked about how every leader has to start somewhere.
*Fear:* “I’ve never been at the VP level before.”
*Reframe:* “My previous roles support my ability to do the work. I’ve proven I can grow and learn at every stage of my career. I also have some wonderful friends who have offered to support me.”
Taking Small Steps Forward
Once Julia started shifting her mindset, she created a plan to help her more forward, one small step at a time.
Get Support
Julia reached out to friends and mentors who believed in her. They reminded her of her strengths and gave her practical advice for the interview.
Chunk It Down
Instead of seeing the interview as one huge, overwhelming task, she broke it into smaller pieces—like researching the company and her soon to be coworkers, preparing answers, and practicing with a friend.
Practice Self-Compassion
Julia had a mindfulness practice already, so we put our focus on self-compassion work to quiet her inner critic. She spent a few minutes each morning repeating: “I am capable. I am ready.”
Celebrate Small Wins
We decided she’d celebrate every small step she took. Whether it was finishing a practice session or simply showing up for herself, these little victories helped her stay motivated.
So. What Happened?
When Julia walked into the interview, she wasn’t completely free of fear—but she didn’t let it control her anymore. She told me afterward that while she still felt nervous, she also felt ready. She’d done the work, and she wasn’t gonna let her doubts hold her back.
This job was more than just a career opportunity—it became a chance for Julia to face her fears and trust in her ability to grow. And even if she didn’t get it, she knew this experience had already changed how she saw herself.
A Reminder for All of Us
Julia’s story is a reminder that self-sabotage isn’t the end of the road. It’s just a signal—a sign that something inside us needs attention, care, and maybe a little reframing.
If you catch yourself hesitating or avoiding something important, try pausing to ask:
- What am I afraid of?
- Is this fear based on facts or just old stories?
- What’s one small step I can take to move forward?
Fear has a purpose in our lives; to keep us safe. You just have to see the story for what it is and not let it be bigger than is real. When we can see this, it’s much easier to get a fresh perspective on the story we are telling ourself.
Like I told Julia: You’ve already done so much to get here. You’re more ready than you think.